i do not know myself
i do not know who i am
or who i will become
or what made me this way
or if there is any other way -
or place - for me to be
i do not want to know myself
to open the latch and uncover my insides
i am afraid of what i will find
what hides in the between and behind
i am afraid of sharing with you this side
of me - i am afraid of being unacceptable
an unworthy kind of child
afraid of being discarded - from
family and friends and society
lingering on the outskirts of this place
too afraid to exhale - and
far too weak to have hope
too used to keeping my eyes closed
hiding beneath so many lies
all of my deception and denial
a little girl hiding behind corners
too afraid to come forward
always avoiding eye contact
evading human contact
turning away from every reprieve
i do not know why i always hurt so much
everything hurts - so much
smiling and walking and writing and
crying and so, so much lying - and
i do not know how to stop hurting you either
i never wanted to hurt you -
but i suppose that is all i know how to do
the only way i know how to be
how do i save myself from me?
i do not know who i am
or who i will become
or what made me this way
or if there is any other way -
or place - for me to be
i do not want to know myself
to open the latch and uncover my insides
i am afraid of what i will find
what hides in the between and behind
i am afraid of sharing with you this side
of me - i am afraid of being unacceptable
an unworthy kind of child
afraid of being discarded - from
family and friends and society
lingering on the outskirts of this place
too afraid to exhale - and
far too weak to have hope
too used to keeping my eyes closed
hiding beneath so many lies
all of my deception and denial
a little girl hiding behind corners
too afraid to come forward
always avoiding eye contact
evading human contact
turning away from every reprieve
i do not know why i always hurt so much
everything hurts - so much
smiling and walking and writing and
crying and so, so much lying - and
i do not know how to stop hurting you either
i never wanted to hurt you -
but i suppose that is all i know how to do
the only way i know how to be
how do i save myself from me?